


Unseduceable

by labelma



Series: Washington Square Lifters [1]
Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Canon Compliant, M/M, Post Season 10, This is a lighthearted fic, This isn't a crack fic but its also not not a crack fic, also i'm aware that this situation is unrealistic don't come for me, but some things could be construed as minor sexual harrasment, i think i'm hilarious, i thought it was funny and couldn't get it out of my head, so if you're particularly sensitive to that be careful, this got fluffy near the end because everything i write turns fluffy, yeah i dont know
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-18
Updated: 2020-08-18
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:08:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25891858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/labelma/pseuds/labelma
Summary: The first time Mickey catches a shoplifter who tries flirting with him to get out of trouble, he doesn't think much of it. But when it starts happening several times a day... yeah something weird is going on.
Relationships: Ian Gallagher & Mickey Milkovich, Ian Gallagher/Mickey Milkovich
Series: Washington Square Lifters [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1961038
Comments: 63
Kudos: 422





	Unseduceable

**Author's Note:**

> I had this idea months ago, and I spent forever trying to figure out how to write it, and then this happened. The format is definitely a first for me so it might be a bit shaky, please forgive me. 
> 
> Much thanks to Shoshana for beta-ing this and also being one of my best friends. Love you girl!
> 
> All usernames have been made up by me, and any resemblance to real usernames is entirely coincidental, but feel free to reach out to me and I'll change it. 
> 
> *Note: My research on lifting communities consisted of looking through the tag on tumblr for like ten minutes, I basically made most of this up because to be totally honest I don't care enough. If you're involved in lifting and you're offended by my portrayal, I'm sorry, but please find another hobby.

It all started with a single discord server, not that Mickey knew that, or would ever find out.

  
It wasn’t a large server, only a few girls, and even fewer active members. This particular server was dedicated to teens with a very specific hobby, a hobby that was both the bane of Mickey’s existence and the entire reason for his employment in the first place.

  
Little did Mickey know that what started as a simple bet amongst bored teenage girls would snowball into a monster too large and unwieldy for even Mickey’s capable tattooed hands to strangle.

**Washington Square Lifters**

**  
**_bbygrl649 _:__ Almost got caught today with $75 worth of Sephora merch in my pockets. One of the security guards stopped me, but I batted my eyelashes at him and he let me go!

 _ _  
_Roxanne88 _:____ Nice!

 _ _ _ _  
_AllyKat _:______ Which guard was it? Might be good to know for next time…

 _ _ _ _ _ _  
_RikiRox _:________ Yeah!

 _ _ _ _ _ _ _  
_Bbygrl649 _:_________ It was Mulligan, the grungy looking blond with the beer gut.

 _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _  
_Rosswalker _:___________ Omg we should keep a list of the guards who are easy to seduce just in case!

 _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _  
_AllyKat _:_____________ That’s a great idea! I bet that guard Daniels would be. He’s always giving me weird looks. Honestly, we could probably use this trick with all the male guards.

 _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _  
_RikiRox _:_______________ With all the creeps they hire straight out of Beckman, I wouldn’t be surprised

* * *

Mickey is irritated.

Ian worked the night shift last night, and due to unfortunate scheduling, Mickey didn’t get to see him before he had to leave for work.

  
Between Mickey working as many hours as he can to save up for the squirrel fund, and Ian’s need to put his best foot forward since he was crazy lucky to have even gotten his old job back, the two hadn’t gotten to spend much time together.

  
Mickey would never tell Ian he misses him, he’s not a bitch, but he misses him. Okay, maybe he’s a little bit of a bitch for Ian. But only Ian.

  
Not only did Mickey miss Ian this morning, but he didn’t have time for breakfast, having had to deal with a cranky Franny who missed her perpetually busy mother.

  
By the time he’d gotten on his new security guard uniform it was time to rush out the door and to the L.

  
The uniform is another annoyance. The promotion from Old Army security guard to Mall security guard was a good one, that came with a much needed raise, but the dark starched shirt was hot and stuffy. He’d gotten drenched with sweat just walking to the train stop.

  
He’s walking his beat around the mall debating whether or not to splurge on a soft pretzel when he sees something out of the corner of his eye.

  
It’s a girl, probably in her teens wearing the kind of skimpy clothes Debbie loves. There’s nothing remarkable about that, but she’s got a death grip on a large purse, and while her posture seems casual, he can see the tension in her shoulders and her eyes darting back and forth.

  
If there’s one thing Mickey learned from his youth, it’s how to tell when someone is shoplifting.

  
He walks over to the girl casually, hands in his pockets,

  
“Excuse me, miss,” he says in his most polite, customer service voice.

  
He knows she heard him, but she keeps walking as if she hadn’t.

  
Mickey sighs, he’s too tired for this.

  
“Miss, please stop or I will need to restrain you.”

  
She pauses, back straight, before turning around slowly, a dazzling, incredibly false smile plastered on her face.

  
“Is there a problem sir?” Simpers the girl. She’s got her lips pursed and eyelashes fluttering. Mickey even thinks he sees her surreptitiously pull her shirt down so the neckline shows even more cleavage.

  
Mickey rolls his eyes.

  
“Ma’am, I’m going to have to see your bag.”

  
“Oh, surely that isn’t necessary,” says the girl as she slips closer, placing a hand on Mickey’s bicep. He can even smell the overly pungent perfume she’s wearing.

Mickey glances at where her hand meets his arm and then glares at her. She gets the message and pulls her hand off of him quickly as if she’s been burned.

  
“Cut the crap, give me what you stole.”

  
She takes a step back, both hands coming to rest tensely on her purse.

  
“I don’t know what you’re talking about sir, I’m just here shopping.”

  
Mickey groans,

  
“Oh yeah? You got a receipt?” He waits a beat, knowing she won’t say anything before continuing, “Listen, you can either apologize and give back what you stole, or I’m going to confiscate your bag and make you sit in the holding cell for a few hours. Your choice.”

  
Her eyes are wide, but she clenches her jaw and steps close to him again, a salacious grin creeping up her face,

  
“Maybe we can work something out?”

  
Mickey groans again. This is not how he wanted to spend his morning.

  
“Listen I’m too tired for this bullshit, you’ve got five seconds to make up your mind.”

  
The girl hesitated for a second before huffing, and even stomping a foot.

  
“Fine,” She mutters, handing over her bag to Mickey and following him to Abercrombie and Fitch.

* * *

**Washington Square Lifters**

  
_Roxanne88_ : got busted today :(

  
_AllyKat_ : Aw no! What happened?

  
_Bbygrl649_ : damn, that sucks

  
_Roxanne88_ : I’d already walked out of the store, I was golden, but one of the new security guards must have eagle eyes or something, he caught me immediately

  
_RikiRox_ : that’s some shitty luck

  
_Rosswalker_ : it was a new security guard?

  
_Roxanne88_ : yeah, malkovik or something weird and Russian

  
_AllyKat_ : Could it be Milkovich? I know he used to be security for the Old Army. He busted me once trying to steal a dress, chased me across half the mall.

 _Roxanne88_ : that’s definitely him! Geez he sounds like a hardass. He didn’t remotely fall for my flirting.

 _Bbygrl649_ : Maybe he noticed your tacky extensions

 _Roxanne88_ : Fuck off Sarah, I looked great. He barely even noticed, just made me cough up the clothes I lifted.

  
_Bbygrl649_ : I bet you the moderator position that I can seduce him.

  
_Rosswalker_ : oooooh tea

  
_AllyKat_ : OOF

  
_Roxanne88_ : if you can seduce him and get him to let you off then fine, you can take the damn moderator position

  
_RikiRox_ : Hey girls, maybe we shouldn’t argue, let’s try and be mature about this.

  
_Bbygrl649_ : Fuck off Riki.

* * *

The second time it happens, Mickey doesn’t think much of it. He works in a Northside Mall, full of privileged assholes who are used to getting their way. When Mickey catches a shoplifter, he expects them to do everything they can to get off without trouble.

  
So that’s how he misses the pattern.

  
This girl is short, shorter than him, and very blonde. She looks like a wannabe Paris Hilton. And even Mickey, of all people, notices her breasts, they’re impossible not to notice. She’s got them pushed halfway to her chin, and her tube top covers very little. Honestly, she looks like one of the Russian whores Mickey used to pimp out, only richer.

  
He sees her walk into a store, grab something off of a display desk, and walk right out, not even bothering to hide her actions.

  
Is she trying to get caught?

  
In a few seconds he’s moved to cut off her path. He stands in front of her and places his hand out, palm up.

  
“Give it back.”

  
She smirks and looks up at him,

  
“Give what back.”

  
Mickey is not here for this. He knows she knows exactly what he’s talking about, she didn’t remotely try to hide what she was doing.

  
“Give back whatever you took, and you can walk out of here without a misdemeanor on your record.”

  
She purses her lips, and moves in closer to him.

  
“Are you sure that’s what you want?”

  
Mickey takes a controlled step back. His patience has gotten much better over the years, but he’s about to snap.

  
This girl was trying to get caught.

  
He can’t imagine what it must be like to grow up with so much money that you can walk into an upscale mall, take whatever you want in full view of the security guard, and just expect to get away with it.

  
Growing up the way he did left him without much of a care for authority, so a part of him understands the desire to flaunt the law, but this just pisses him off.

  
Her blatant flirting only pisses him off more.

  
“Alright, you’re so eager to get caught, fine, this is what happens when you get caught.”

  
Mickey grabs her arm and begins walking her to the security office.

  
That’s when she starts crying.

* * *

**Washington Square Lifters**

_Bbygrl649_ : MILKOVICH TRIED TO GET ME ARRESTED

 _Rosswalker_ : WHAT?!?!?

 _RikiRox_ : SARAH WHAT HAPPENED????

 _Roxanne88_ : Told you it wouldn’t be that easy.

 _AllyKat:_ Roxy, don’t be a bitch, clearly she’s going through something.

 _RikiRox_ : Are you okay? What happened?

 _Bbygrl649:_ I’m fine I got out of it when he handed me over to his manager, but I’m so pissed.

 _Rosswalker:_ Girl, just tell us the story

 _Bbygrl649_ : So I went in there trying to get his attention. I was wearing my best push up bra and everything. He saw me take a piece of jewelry off a display table and was like immediately on me. He didn’t even give me a chance to explain. I tried to flirt, but he wasn’t having any of it. He took me to the office and started writing me up. He totally ignored my crying and I’m a LOUD crier. Thank God his supervisor came in and decided just to let me off with a warning.

 _AllyKat:_ what an asshole

 _Rosswalker_ : I wonder what it’ll take to distract him?

 _RikiRox_ : maybe he has a serious girlfriend?

 _Bbygrl649_ : That doesn’t matter! None of the other dudes in the mall could take their eyes off me, I’m hot!

 _Roxanne88_ : Maybe you’re overestimating how good you look.

 _Bbygrl649_ : Fuck. Off.

 _RikiRox_ : Maybe he’s gay?

 _AllyKat_ : With those knuckle tats? No way.

 _Rosswalker_ : I guess he just really cares about his job.

* * *

It starts to happen far more regularly. So much so that Mickey complains to his husband.

  
“These girls keep shoplifting, and when I catch them they try to flirt with me to get out of it.”

  
Ian just laughs at him.

  
“Can you blame them? My husband is a hottie.”

  
Mickey scowls,

  
“It’s annoying. They think they can take whatever they want and get away with it by batting their eyelashes.”

  
A shit eating grin takes over Ian’s face, and Mickey’s scowl deepens.

  
“Mick, that is quite literally how we got together.”

  
“What? What are you talking about?”

  
Ian is laughing harder now.

  
“When I worked at the Kash and Grab. You came in to steal all the time just to get my attention.”

  
Mickey can’t believe this,

  
“I wasn’t trying to get your attention! I was trying to put that pedo in his place!”

  
Ian’s laughter is making him angry now,

  
“You were totally trying to get my attention, ‘you know where I live if you’ve got a problem,’ are you telling me that wasn’t a come on?”

  
That silences Mickey’s indignation. Okay, maybe there’s some truth to what he’s saying.

  
“That was different!”

  
“How was it different?”

  
Mickey splutters for a second. He knows it was different. He just can’t find the words to explain what he knows.

  
“First of all, I was broke as shit, and I actually needed that food. All those girls come from rich families and are just stealing for the thrill.”

Ian looks at him knowingly,

  
“Are you telling me you didn’t ever steal just for the sake of stealing?”

  
“Well, yeah, but it was never anything I already had or had the money to buy.”

  
“Mhm,” Ian grins.

  
“Plus! I knew you were going to be receptive.”

  
Ian’s brows knit together.

  
“How did you know I’d be receptive?”

Mickey laughs, thinking back to the time when his life mission was to get the cute redhead who worked at the convenience store to notice him.

“I heard you telling Mandy. When you were trying to get her to call us off.”

  
“Wait really? I never knew that!”

  
“I never felt the need to tell you. Besides, it worked out didn’t it?”

  
Ian’s lips turn up into a soft smile, and his eyes are light.

  
“Yeah,” he punctuates his words with a small kiss, “It did.”

* * *

**Washington Square Lifters**

  
_IceQueen_ has joined the server

  
_Beksbee_ has joined the server

  
_MollyMax_ has joined the server

  
_RikiRox_ : Welcome guys!

  
_Rosswalker_ : Wow we’ve had a ton of new members join…

  
_MollyMax_ : Hi!

  
_Beksbee_ : I heard there was a betting pool to see who can seduce one of the security guards first?

  
_MollyMax_ : Yeah that’s why I joined too

  
_Roxanne88_ : Yep, we’re up to $250. If you want to join you need to put in $25. The security guard is Milkovich, he works 9-5 on weekdays. You win the pool if you have recorded evidence of you getting him to accept your flirting.

  
_IceQueen_ : Have any of you considered if he’s gay?

  
_Bbygrl649_ : There are a few guys in the pool too. No one has had luck yet.

  
_AllyKat_ : Try and get your friends to join. Someone has got to get lucky at some point. Pun intended.

* * *

“Rob I’m telling you, I’m not crazy.”

  
Rob still looks a little skeptical, but Mickey knows that what’s been happening isn’t normal.

  
“Maybe they just think you’re cute? You are quite a bit younger than most of the other guys who work here.”

  
And Mickey knows he isn’t unattractive, but well, the amount of times a day he has teenagers essentially throw themselves at him is frankly ridiculous. This is not normal, and Mickey would think he was going crazy, but he knows what it looks like when someone goes crazy and this isn’t it.

  
But he can’t come up with any other reason for what’s happening.

  
“Maybe it’s a good thing? That girl you caught earlier today was hot.” Rob says with a salacious grin.

  
Mickey has to stop himself from gagging.

  
“First of all, I’m gay, second of all I’m married, you know all of this. And thirdly, she was like, a quarter of your age.”

  
Rob scoffs, “Doesn’t mean I can’t admire.”

  
Mickey shakes his head and walks away, because frankly, he doesn’t feel like dealing with this.

  
The only thing keeping him going without snapping and committing murder is the fact that it’s Friday, and Ian is off for the weekend. Mickey has been looking forward to tonight all week, finally their schedules aligned enough to go out for dinner, and hopefully they’d fuck well into the early morning and then sleep late.

  
But first he has to get through another three hours of work.

  
And there was another girl eyeing him from a few yards away.

  
Time to go hide in the security office.

* * *

**Washington Square Lifters- Founders**

  
_AllyKat_ : STILL no damn luck.

  
_Roxanne88_ : and the old group is now overrun with idiots who just want to win the pool. They’re going to get us in trouble.

  
_Rosswalker_ : How big is the pool now?

  
_Bbygrl649_ : $875

  
_RikiRox_ : Jesus…

  
_AllyKat:_ some of the footage they’ve submitted is hilarious though. Maybe we should do something with it.

  
_Rosswalker_ : I have an idea

* * *

Mickey is feeling pleasantly sated from his burger and the couple beers he had has left him a little buzzed.

  
He and Ian have left the restaurant and are now walking around the neighborhood hand in hand.

  
The sweaty heat of the day has given way to a cool breezy night, and for once the south side is calm and quiet. With Ian’s warm presence beside him, Mickey feels the stress of the week melt away.

  
He feels Ian squeeze his hand and looks up at him.

  
“I’ve missed you,” says Ian quietly, words only for him, “I feel like we’ve barely spent any time together.”

  
Mickey nudges him with his shoulder.

  
“I know, but your job is important, and you love it.”

  
Ian smiles at him, “I love you more.”

  
Mickey scoffs, “You can love us both at the same time, I promise I won’t be offended.”

  
This draws a hearty laugh from Ian and Mickey grins. He’ll never get tired of that laugh.

  
“I just wish we had more time to spend together.”

  
Mickey turns a little so he’s looking into Ian’s eyes,

  
“We’ll find time. We always do. Things are busy now but that doesn’t mean they’ll stay that way. Besides we have the rest of our lives to spend time together.”

  
Ian’s eyes start to get a little misty, the way they always do when Mickey talks about forever, and he pulls him into a sweet kiss. Mickey pushes back against Ian’s lips and deepens to kiss, as he threads his fingers into Ian’s hair. Ian’s hands come to rest on Mickey’s waist and the kiss turns passionate and heated. Before long they’re both gasping.

  
“We should probably head home” whispers Mickey against Ian’s lips. He can feel Ian smiling.

  
Ian pulls away and throws his arm over Mickey’s shoulder, leading him down the street and towards the Gallagher house. Mickey feels almost drunk on Ian. He loves him so much. But even more than that, he likes him. He likes just being around Ian and spending time with him, talking, laughing, talking crap. He’s been in love with Ian for so long, he forgot how much of their early relationship was built on just spending time goofing off together. He thinks, as they laugh against each other, it’s nice to go back to that sometimes.

  
They’re still wrapped up in each other when they enter the house to the sound of wild laughter coming from the kitchen.

  
Mickey looks towards the noise and finds Carl, Debbie, and Liam clustered around a computer, laughing at whatever they’re watching.

  
“Play it again, play it again!” Shrieks Debbie, still in the throes of laughter.

  
Mickey looks at Ian, finding a matching perplexed expression on his face.

  
“What’re you guys watching?” Asks Ian.

  
The three Gallaghers turn towards them, and immediately devolve into hysterical laughter again.

  
“What the fuck?” Mickey’s incredulous voice only makes them laugh harder.

  
“Your family is fuckin weird man,” mutters Mickey.

  
“Hey, you’re part of that family now,” shoots back a bemused Ian, and while normally the sentiment would make Mickey’s face warm, right now he’s just really curious what’s on that computer, and why everyone seems to be laughing at him.

  
“You gonna tell us what’s so funny now?” Asks Ian, still with a fond smile on his face.

  
Debbie takes a few deep breaths to try and calm down. She opens her mouth to begin explaining when she breaks down in another fit of laughter, the other two following. They don’t seem anywhere close to stopping, Liam has tears running down his face and Carl looks half a second from falling off his chair.

  
Mickey does not have time for this, he has important plans that involve Ian, minimal clothing, and no interruptions.

  
He steps over Carl who is now rolling around on the floor and grabs the laptop. He goes to play whatever video they were watching when the screen makes him stop short.

  
It’s… his face.

  
Ian appears behind him to look over his shoulder while Mickey is still trying to make sense of what he’s seeing.

  
It’s him alright, in his security guard uniform, a scowl on his face, and cartoon hearts around his head?

  
“What the fuck is this?” Mickey still isn’t quite sure what he’s seeing.

  
Ian grabs the laptop from him to read the title,

  
“The Unseduceable Security Guard,” Ian’s voice is as confused as Mickey feels.

  
“Play it, play it!” screams Carl from his position on the floor.

  
Ian scrubs the video back to the beginning and hits play. Mickey’s ears are immediately assaulted with loud electronic music. A video pans in on him from maybe twenty feet away. He’s walking past the Victoria’s Secret when a girl walks right up to him. Mickey squints at the screen. He’s almost certain this is the girl who… yep, there she is, pinching his ass. He watches himself jump nearly a foot in the air. The video is punctuated by explosion noises and cartoon steam coming from his ears. It quickly cuts to a new video, taken from a different angle. Another girl he caught shoplifting who tried to flirt with him. And another. And another. Mickey checks to see how long the video is and it’s seventeen minutes.

  
_What the fuck._

  
“What the fuck?”

  
Mickey has to sit down. He knew it was weird that so many teenagers would come up to him at work. He still doesn’t understand why.

  
Debbie has calmed down enough to speak, “Apparently there was some bet going around to see who could seduce you first.”

  
“What the fuck are you talking about?”

  
“There was a bet. To see who could seduce you first. I don’t know how else to explain it.”

  
“How did you guys even know about this, who made the video, what the fuck?”

  
“It’s gone viral, check the view count.”

  
Mickey exits out of full screen and sees that almost 100,000 people have seen the video.

  
Mickey’s face must look pretty strange because Ian doubles over in laughter.

  
Mickey doesn’t know what he’s feeling. Partly validated that he wasn’t imagining the rabid teenagers, partly worried about how visible this makes him, and a whole lot of shocked that this is even a thing that would happen to him in the first place.

  
Mickey always thought that if he’d be famous for anything, it would most likely be for committing a crime. He even escaped federal lockup. How is it that this, _this_ is what he goes viral for.

  
“Mick, you gotta read these comments, oh my god,” says Ian, still laughing. He begins to read out loud,

  
“‘I’d let hot security guard crack me open like a walnut,’ ‘dude must have some serious sugar at home to be turning down all these ladies,’ ‘my mans looks so awkward,’ it just goes on and on.”

  
Mickey needs to quit his job. Move to another city. Maybe even leave the state, or the country, _he will never live this down_. His coworkers will never let him forget this. He doesn’t even want to think about how brutal of a ribbing he’s going to get from the Gallaghers for the next month. Maybe he needs to consider divorce, or witness protection.

  
Ian and the rest of the Gallaghers have fallen into hysterics again at the sight of his face.

Mickey needs a beer. Actually, he needs something stronger. He grabs the vodka from the freezer and drinks straight from the bottle.

  
“At least I don’t have a pair of titties permanently tattooed on my shoulder.” Grumbles Mickey, only making everyone laugh harder.

  
He’s done, he’s out, this is too much, goodnight.

  
Mickey starts for the stairs but he’s stopped by Ian wrapping his hands around his waist and pulling him into the circle of his arms.

  
There’s still laughter shaking through his body but his eyes are clear and looking directly into Mickey’s. He whispers, loud enough only for Mickey to hear,

  
“All these kids trying so hard to seduce you and you didn’t even look at them.”

  
“What kind of dumb fuckin statement is that? Of course I didn’t.”

  
Ian grins, “I’m the only person who could ever do this to you,” he whispers while running his hands up Mickey’s back, causing him to gasp and lean into Ian’s touch.

  
“This is really doing it for you, huh?” Says Mickey in what was supposed to be a sharp retort but it comes out a little too and soft. 

  
“Mm, maybe it is.”

  
Mickey looks at Ian’s bright eyes, and okay, maybe this isn’t the worst thing that could happen if it makes Ian look at him like this. And maybe it is a little funny too.

  
“Ian, I don’t know if you’ve noticed or not, but you have quite literally ruined me for everyone else. I’ve been lost on you since I was sixteen. I married your ass, you’re the only person I want flirting with me.”

  
Ian giggles. Giggles.

  
“I don’t think I tell you enough how lucky I am to have you,” Says Ian a little breathlessly, “I love you so much.”

  
Mickey inhales. Those words still make his heart pound, even after months of marriage.

  
“I love you too.”

  
Ian pulls him into a kiss, and Mickey suddenly remembers that he had plans for tonight before he was interrupted by surprise internet fame.

  
A chorus of groans echo from the table where he forgot Debbie, Carl, and Liam still were.

  
“For God’s sake, please go do that somewhere else,” Whines Debbie while covering her ears, “I thought you two would get less gross with time but it just gets worse. Please spare us.”

  
Ian laughs while Mickey shrugs. They were more than happy to oblige.

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah I don't know either. I hope you enjoyed!


End file.
